So it was with a dream and a pen that I sat down one day to create something award-worthy. I decided that like The Beatles and Amy Winehouse before me, I should probably be under the influence while writing, in order to increase my chances of creating my magnum opus. So I made a giant mug of black coffee and set about creating the television equivalent of 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.
It turns out that my caffeine-induced mania was not conducive to sitting still and contemplating the nuances of my main character's psyche, or creating a story which was a subtle allegory for the Gulf War; therefore instead of creating an single masterpiece, I have come up with numerous half-baked ideas and one-dimensional characters. Enjoy.
Newsnight: The Musical
One of those film versions of a West End musical. A high-camp rock opera which follows Jeremy Paxman (played by Louie Spence) as he navigates the stressful world that is Newsnight. Featuring energetic, sensual dance sequences and graphic violence (as our hero does battle with evasive politicians), this is definitely one for after the watershed. Includes future classic showtunes like:
'I'll Ask You One Last Time-Just Answer The Question!'
'Breaking News, Breaking Hearts'
'(I Wanna Be) The Next Dimbleby'
'I'll Ask you One Last Time-Just Answer The Question!' (Reprisals 1 - 7)
Shakespeare, But All Modern and 'Cool'
The Royal Shakespeare Company presents a series of William Shakespeare's most famous plays, but set in modern day Britain because people are too stupid to watch something set in the past. Using all the original dialogue, just to make it that little bit more bizarre, the series is sure to make a whole new generation fall in love with the Bard's work. Just as long as his work takes place on a council estate in Hackney. The first episode sees A Midsummer Night's Dream re-imagined as the story of a group of teenagers experimenting with a mind-bending aphrodisiac drug. The series will be shown straight after The X-Factor, in the hope that the so-called 'Downton Abbey Effect' will boost ratings.
Teenz
A more true to life look at the lives of teenagers than what is portrayed in Skins, The OC, and 90210; this drama series is about a group of slightly awkward, average looking sixteen year-olds. Over the course of the series, the gang are seen failing to get into clubs using their older siblings' I.Ds, revising non-stop for exams, and not getting pregnant/murdered/arrested/hooked on crack.
Johnny Maverick
A high-octane cop show about Detective Johnny Maverick - a hard-drinking, unlucky in love, classic car aficionado. His unconventional methods and penchant for power sliding his 1962 Cadillac see him throw the rulebook out the window and shake up CID. His superiors don't understand his unorthodox approach to police work, and attempt to throw the book at him at every opportunity. Amidst all this book throwing is the beautiful Madelyn Wilding - Maverick's Sergeant, with whom he has a love/hate relationship. The sexual tension between them rises as they argue over interrogation techniques, question each others judgement, and get too close for comfort as a series of increasingly contrived events repeatedly forces them to go undercover as a couple.
So there you have it - my marvellous ideas, which will (hopefully) be coming to a TV screen near you soon.
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