I am writing to you about your recent behaviour, which has quite frankly been unacceptable. I understand that motivation can occasionally be hard to come by, but would it kill you to wake up on time? When I am in a hurry-looking for train times, finding important emails etc, I would appreciate it if you would turn on a little quicker. I am a very busy person Laptop, and I don't have time to sit around for five minutes while Windows 'resumes'.
Your frequent updates are also a cause for concern. Of course I understand your need and desire to do the best possible job by providing me with the latest software updates, however do you really need to do it every day? I'm sure it takes longer than twenty-four hours to programme a whole new version of iTunes. There's being dedicated to learning new skills, and then there's being over-zealous-and you are crossing the line I'm afraid.
On the subject of iTunes, I know that you and iPod don't exactly get along, and the two of you have had your problems over the years, but could you please try to co-operate for my sake? It upsets me when you decide to crash in the middle of syncing, so poor iPod has to restore from backup. Full restore is a very time consuming job, not that you'd know since you always go to sleep halfway through. It is also very hurtful when you completely ignore iPod when I plug him in, resulting in five minutes of angry unplugging and replugging until you finally decide to recognise him. Don't try to tell me it's iPod's fault, you were the same way with his father, and his father before that.
However, the most egregious example of your professional misconduct will be forever remembered as 'The Penis Incident'. I will admit that clicking a link emailed to me by a friend who had been talking for weeks about creating 'Rick Roll 2.0' was a bad idea. However when the gay porn suddenly appeared, I clicked the X button in the hope of getting rid of it, not because I wanted you to keep opening it in new windows that you would not let me close. Having hundreds of pictures of naked men appear on my screen, with no way of getting rid of them other than to shut you down and hope you start behaving yourself, is not something I enjoy. Especially when you have the tenacity to rebuke me for your 'unexpected shutdown' once I've finally stopped panicking that I was going to have to get my Dad to fix it, and he'd see your penis filled screen.
I can only hope that you will see the error of your ways and endeavour to be a little more helpful. If this continues, I'm afraid I may have to replace you with a better model. Preferably one that isn't so heavy that I am unable to use it on my lap, as doing so puts me at risk of femoral injury.
Yours sincerely,
Emily
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