Monday 22 November 2010

I Think I'd Call My Pet Bear Wilberforce

I really want a pet bear. Why? Bears are totally cool that's why. Just think of all the awesome benefits that come with bear ownership:


Transport
Who wants a car when you can travel around on a freaking BEAR?! It would be like horse riding only way cooler because your bear could also climb trees, which horses can't do. Also, if bears can climb trees then they can probably climb other stuff too. Why take the lift up to your office when your bear could just scale the walls and get in through the window? Another benefit: bears are probably a bit like motorbikes in that they can jump ahead of the queue at traffic lights. Even if bears don't officially have this privilege, the other motorists are hardly going to argue with a person riding a bear!


Frightening People
Bears are a naturally scary animal, a feature which can be exploited by a crafty bear owner. Someone taken the last tub of cookie dough ice cream at the supermarket? Introduce them to your bear and you'll find that all of a sudden they decide they'd rather have vanilla. About to receive a parking ticket? Watch the traffic warden turn the other way once he notices your 'A bear is for life, not just for Christmas' sticker. Essentially, if you have a pet bear, you will get your own way all the time due to the ever present threat of mauling.


Warmth
As I sit here shivering because the timer on the boiler is set so that the heating only comes on at about five o'clock, I really wish I had a bear for warmth. A bear is basically a huge, ferocious blanket. I really don't understand why people kill animals for fur. A live, cuddly hat would be so much more fun-not to mention more humane. Having a bear on hand to give me a cuddle every time I got cold would be great. I'd save a fortune on jumpers.


Company
Since my parents and brother are out all day, I'm home alone three days out of seven. It would be nice to have a pet bear to keep me company throughout the day. Not only could I talk to my bear in much the same way people talk to their cats, but I could teach it tricks and stuff. I think a bear would probably be very much like a really big dog, so I could teach it to roll over, play dead etc. This would be a much more productive use of my time than watching old episodes of Have I Got News For You on YouTube and building Lego cars, which is what I've been doing today.


Conversation Starter
Everybody has a dog or a cat, but very few people have pet bears. Therefore mentioning my bear would be a great way to avoid awkward lulls in conversation. There is nothing worse than being stuck with somebody and having nothing to talk about, so having a go-to conversation topic is incredibly important. Even if you don't have a bear, just talking about why you wish you had one can keep a conversation alive for a good ten minutes. More if you include a list of possible names and preferred species.


So those are my reasons for wanting a pet bear. Now I just have to figure out where it would sleep... 
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