Advice for my younger self:
- You can't dive, please stop trying. You'll come to realise that belly-flopping hurts.
- The phrase 'going, going, gonorrhea' is not a play on the word 'diarrhoea'. Stop saying it in public.
- You'll still have the body of a nine year-old boy when you're eighteen, so get used to it.
- Every boy who wishes to romantically pursue you will either give, or attempt to give, you a pair of Converse. Don't even bother trying to understand why this keeps happening.
- Don't cut your hair, it will flick out at the bottom, making you look like a brunette Bree Van der Kamp.
- Correcting your geography teacher's spelling will not endear you to her.
- If you climb over the wall separating the school playground from the car wash, you'd better be prepared to hide behind a pile of tyres until the dinnerladies turn the other way.
- Impulse art supply theft will turn your art lesson into an unpleasant high school version of 'The Tell-Tale Heart'. You'll never use all that coloured paper. Just put it back.
- Just because you can climb up a tree, it doesn't necessarily mean that you can get back down again.
Older and Hopefully Wiser
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